missing the ocean
2010.03.1 (Monday) – 10:49 amI am a prodigy among the eternal people. Before my peers know it is possible, I learn to remove what is not my essential being, leaving only my self. I surprise my teachers because I have learned to be my self without express guidance. The lessons for removing non self are advanced, not accessible to most of my age peers.
I experiment during a reprimand event, from boredom, and do not understand my accomplishment. A teacher observes me becoming exclusively my self. Without my knowledge or consent, this teacher proposes my promotion into the higher ranks. Each of the higher ranked individuals has learned to be exclusively self. I am promoted. I feel this is premature, but accept the decision of the teachers. There is no personal mentoring, yet the teacher who observed me henceforth appears to have special interest in my progress. The teacher ensures I am enabled more than others. I am given freedoms to choose methods and manner of learning. I forge my own path.
I learn to disperse my self into the universe, and subsequently reform my essential self. This I practice with apprehension until I am well-accustomed to it. Among the eternal people, reforming self is not invariably successful.
When I reform, I always return to the place of learning: exploring, aiding, watching others learn. I am told my rate of dispersal is increased when I imagine the universe as a blue ocean, lie back, and let the waters dissolve me. Time is of the essence rarely.
As a member of the higher rank, I learn some of the eternal people experience visions of a remote friendly people, and can speak to them. A vision of the friendly people is the other occurrence which earns promotion to the higher rank. Gatherings are held, with the purpose only to speak to the friendly people. These gatherings—attended only by eligible speakers and their teachers—are not to be interrupted or attended by others. The nature of the gatherings is hidden from the general population. Many who are not speakers would be pleased to discover more about the friendly people. Although this curiosity is not part of my self, I simulate it when I am among those who yearn.
During one gathering, I surreptitiously opened the Book maintained by teachers, knowing it contains observations by teachers, regarding those like me. I learned the Book also contains observations of speakers, and descriptions of their first visions. Other matters in the Book include dangers to the eternal people. Like gatherings, dangers are concealed from the general population.
Among the dangers described is a knife seen in a recent vision. The knife—much feared by the teachers as well as the speaker who envisioned it—is an object with such power I do not read all that is known. I sense knowing its specifics would expose my self permanently to its powers. Another danger is a diminished people who are the enemy of the eternal people. The enemy individuals originate within my people, but are permanently changed, diminished, and are eternal no more. The enemy individuals envy and dislike the eternal people. They attempt to terminate individuals of the eternal people. The enemy possesses the knife.
Diminished individuals attack the eternal people on occasion. During attacks, our higher order individuals approach an enemy, hold one, and dissolve … with intent to reform the self subsequently. Subsequent reforming is not always accomplished. However, enemies never reform.
My people know sadness when an individual does not subsequently reform. Yet in my time, my people know less sadness, fewer dangers than previous times. Surprises by the enemy are nearly extinct, although challenges continue to be issued from enemy individuals: duels. And sometimes there are challenges from enemy legions: wars.
A field of conflict exists at one border of the place of learning. A wall of Doors separates the enemy’s land and our land. Doors are reminiscent of wood with leaded glass, alike as snowflakes. We can observe the enemy approach the Doors through them. Doors are opened only by the enemy. The eternal people do not generally pass through. During wars, however, individuals of the higher rank, such as my self, often pursue an enemy through a Door to the other side. This is one of the greatest dangers to the self. I do not hesitate.
Fewer conflicts with the enemy people is, in a small measure, due to my self. I am able to reform after dispersal quickly, in less time than most. Alone among the eternal people, I can dissolve and reform in time to rejoin the battle. I imagine an ocean, and lean back into this sanctuary. I disperse like red dye in blue water, and can reform almost instantly.
Only one enemy individual is approached by an individual of the eternal. But soon we learn there is more than simply approaching. Once they know me, they flee. Teachers begin to offer tactics and strategy. I learn, so does the enemy. The enemy people introduce simultaneous attacks of multiple individuals. We cannot respond in kind. Should two eternal people touch when we disperse, neither reforms.
In each battle, I preserve my self many times, dispersing many enemy. I am not without fear. The enemy fears me, too. Individuals target me continuously during a conflict. I meet multiple enemy without hesitation. I can disperse too fast for multiple enemy to coordinate. I would have been proud, had pride been part of my self.
When I reform, I always return to the field of battle. My home feels empty even when I am there. I begin to travel, day trips outside the teaching place, into the lands between. I disperse every enemy I encounter. My forays grow more ambitious, I begin to stay between until I meet an enemy individual. I embrace odd places, forget to seek the enemy. There are creatures between, not eternal people or friendly people. I am not lonely in the land between.
I remember a public restaurant in which an enemy began to destroy. I depart this restaurant swiftly, but return immediately to show safe exit to creatures. This is danger, a risk to my eternal self. Yet I see the creatures end, and must risk my eternal self. My teachers are not pleased to learn of the risk I take in the lands between. My peers seek to join me.
I remember a series of wars. Enemy weapons grow faster; I disperse faster still. My peers are no longer traveling with me.
I remember a powerful enemy, a leader, an individual who survives battles with many of the eternal people. He wields the knife. When I was finally able to approach him, he passed the knife handle to me, and I accepted it. When I embraced him, he smiled back, impaled his self. I tried to disperse, but I remained with him holding me tightly. After he was not, I my self was helpless to dissolve into the blackened sea. I was told time passed between that dispersal and my reforming. The knife is with me, but I can’t ever find it.
I remember taking more risks, more dangerous with more eternal people as time passed. I can’t remember their names. I remember indifference and ennui. I remember darkened water, pain.
I awoke in fear, in a house between. I love my wife and son. I attempted to disperse into my essential self as I lay there on my back. I love my wife and son. My beloved wife moved in the nearby room. I heard waves. I love my wife and son. I saw my end as a creature between. I tried to float. She sat on the bed, rocked me, kissed me, and my fear dispersed.
I snapped awake, alone, longing desperately for nothing I can describe further.
Copyright © 2010 Mark Gadzikowski All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
