We’re now encouraging Gabe to understand earning power and general money concepts. We encourage him to do chores for various amounts of ‘points,’ worth 10 cents each, which he can apply to purchases. My parents had  similar scheme when I was young.

Last year Gabe wanted a $70 Halloween costume, so we encouraged him to earn 700 points, and for two months saw Gabe become incredibly cooperative with domestic tasks. He was aggressively interested in helping with unloading groceries from the car, cleaning up rooms other than his own, and busing his own dishes to the sink. The latter task even became engraved into his autistic routine, such that he clears his place at the table without expectation of reward.

Last week Gabriel saw Mikaela come home from an outing with a toy, He announced he wanted one for himself, and worked all week for it. Saturday we went to the store, were fortunate enough to find another close-out Alpha Pig just like Mikaela’s, which he bought with his own earned “paper money.” He was ecstatic for all of an hour. Before we returned home from that outing, another new toy, a police truck set, caught his eye, and we had the opportunity to explain buyer’s remorse to someone who completely forgotten his week of “I’m going to get my own Alpha Pig on Saturday!” eagerness.

Three times as expensive as the Alpha Pig, the police truck is now likely Gabriel’s favorite topic of conversation for at least three weeks, and that’s assuming he can keep up an aggressive fondness for housework for the duration. Five times before his school bus arrived today, I heard “Am I going to get a police truck?”, “When will I do enough chores to buy my police truck?”, “How many chores will I do to get my police truck?” and variations on the theme. This will resume when he returns from school this afternoon.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

- ricercar and molly

April Snow in May!
The rain has washed away
the lilac blooms, but
the peonies
are about to open.

Our tulips and crocuses
dropped their flowers.
Our day lilies and perennials
budding and blooming.
Our snails and slugs
Feasting on my work.

Finally, a weekend of sunshine.
Now continue my war
with weeds, snails, slugs …
Stop eating my veggies!
Must drown slugs and snails.
Where’s the beer?
Have one for me.

© M Gadzikowski and his Facebook friends

Obsession is just one of the autistic behaviors I’ve seen, for example in Gabriel’s passion about trains. He can identify Caltrain vs Amtrack Capital Corridor vs Amtrack regular by the horn it blows. He can tell me whether the Shrek train is in the Bachman or MHT train catalog, and probably what page it’s on. My guess is that it’s only a short time until he memorizes the light rail schedule. He sponges up everything he’s exposed to regarding trains.

I can obsess about a piece of technology, researching and planning all night, buying multiple flavors of it even while unemployed or otherwise fiscally irresponsible (don’t tell my wife), take it apart and re-assemble to the exclusion of all other activities (…were it not for the demands of my family). Once I’ve learned ridiculously more about less and less, I can set it aside. Then I can offer encyclopedic advice to my friends.

I think that our ability to be temperate, to balance our obsessive and non-obsessive behaviors takes us off the autism spectrum. This ability to gate or throttle is not trained or present in autistic people: obsession, sights, sounds, touches, passions, are all 100% all the time for them.

I experiment during a reprimand event, from boredom, and do not understand my accomplishment. A Teacher observes me becoming exclusively my self. Without my knowledge or consent, this Teacher proposes my promotion into the higher ranks. Each of the higher-ranked individuals has learned to be exclusively self. I am promoted. I feel this is premature, but I accept the decision of the Teachers. There is no personal mentoring, yet the Teacher who observed me henceforth appears to have special interest in my progress. The Teacher ensures I am enabled more than others. I am given freedoms to choose methods and manner of learning. I forge my own path.

I understand the flesh is not my essential self. I learn to disperse into the universe upon death, and subsequently reform my essential self. This I practice with apprehension until I am well-accustomed to it. Among the Eternal people, reforming self is not invariably successful.

Whenever I reform, I always return to the place of learning, where I explore, aid, watch others learn. I am told my rate of dispersal is increased for certain deaths. I achieve speed through imagining the universe as a blue ocean, lying back, and allowing the waters take me. Yet time is rarely of the essence.

As a member of the higher rank, I learn some of the Eternal people dream of a remote Friendly people, and can speak to them. Having a vision of the Friendly people also earns promotion to the higher rank. Gatherings are held with the only purpose to speak to the Friendly people. These gatherings—attended only by eligible Speakers and their Teachers—are not to be interrupted or attended by others. The nature of the gatherings is hidden from the general population. Many non-speakers would be pleased to discover more about the Friendly people. Although this curiosity is not part of my self, I simulate curiosity to fit among others who yearn.

During one gathering, I surreptitiously sought and opened the Book maintained by absent teachers, knowing it contains teacher observations regarding those who are exclusively self, like me. Within I learned the Book also contains observations about Speakers, with detailed descriptions of their first visions.

Other matters in the Book include detailed descriptions of dangers to the Eternal people. Like gatherings, dangers are concealed from the general population. Among the dangers described is a knife, seen in a recent vision by an age peer. The knife—much feared by the teachers, as well as the Speaker who envisioned it—is an object with such power I avert my eyes from the detailed description in the Book. I very much do not wish to know all that is known. I sense knowing the knife’s specifics would expose my self permanently to its fearsome powers.

Another danger is a Diminished people who are the enemy of the Eternal people. The enemy individuals originate within my people, but are permanently changed, are eternal no more. The Diminished people envy and dislike Eternal people. They attempt to disperse individuals of the Eternal people, hoping to prevent reformation. The Diminished people possess the knife.

Individuals of the Diminished people occasionally attack the Eternal people. During attacks, our higher order individuals approach an enemy, embrace one, and die with that enemy. We disperse … with intent to reform the self subsequently. Subsequent reforming is not always accomplished. However, an enemy who dies with us does not reform.

The Eternal people know sadness when an individual does not subsequently reform, whether Eternal or Diminished. Yet in my time, my people know less sadness, fewer dangers than previous times. Attacks by Diminished people are nearly extinct, although challenges continue to be issued by enemy individuals: duels. More rarely yet are challenges from legions of Diminished people: wars.

A field of conflict exists at one border of the place of learning. A wall of Doors separates the Diminished people’s land and our land. Doors are reminiscent of wood with leaded glass, alike as snowflakes. We can observe through the Doors when the Diminished approach on their side. Doors are opened only by an enemy. The Eternal people do not generally pass through. During wars, however, individuals of the higher rank, such as my self, often pursue an enemy through a Door to the other side. On the other side it is harder to disperse, one of the greatest dangers to the self. I do not hesitate passing though a Door.

Fewer conflicts with the Diminished people is, in a small measure, due to my self. I am able to reform my self after dispersal in less time than most. Alone among the Eternal people, I can disperse and reform fast enough to rejoin the same battle. When I imagine the universe as a blue ocean, and lean back into this sanctuary, I disperse like red dye in blue water, and can reform almost instantly.

Duels and wars are fought with one individual of the enemy approached by one individual of the Eternal people. But soon my people learn there is more to victory than simply embracing an enemy individual. Once my speed is recognized by the Diminished people, an enemy individual flees as I approach. Teachers of the Eternal people begin to offer tactics and strategy. I learn, so do the Diminished people. The Diminished people introduce simultaneous attacks of multiple individuals on one individual. We cannot respond in kind. Should more than two individuals die while embraced, none reforms.

My speed increases still. Soon enough I am able to reform my self many times per battle, dispersing large numbers of Diminished people. Risking my self so often, dispersing and reforming so often, I am not without fear. The Diminished people fear me, too. Enemy individuals group together to target me continuously during each war. Yet now I meet groups without hesitation. I can embrace one individual and swiftly die before others can accompany us. I would have been proud, had pride been part of my self.

When I reform, I always return to the field of battle, even when no war is present. My home feels empty. I begin to travel, day trips outside the teaching place, into the lands between. I disperse the Diminished people I encounter. My forays grow more ambitious, I begin to reform in the lands between. I explore without searching for Diminished people. I enjoy odd places. There are creatures between, not Eternal people, not Friendly people, not Diminished people. Thus I am not lonely in the land between. I ignore risk and danger, until…

I remember a public restaurant in which an enemy individual began to destroy. I departed this restaurant swiftly, but paused, then returned immediately to show safe exit to the creatures. This exposure to the enemy was dangerous, a risk to my eternal self. Yet I saw the creatures die without dispersal, and risked my eternal self. My teachers were not pleased to learn of the risk I took in the lands between, on behalf of creatures. However, learning of my deed, age peers began to join me in my travels.

I remember a series of wars. Enemy weapons grew faster; but I dispersed faster still. None of the Eternal people traveled as fast as me. My peers began to seek me less often.

I remember a powerful enemy, a leader, an individual who persisted though battles with many of the Eternal people. He wields the knife. When I was finally able to approach him, he passed the knife handle to me, and I accepted it. When I embraced him, he smiled, impaled his self. I tried to disperse, but I remained, with him holding me tightly. Long after he died and dispersed, my self remained in the blackened sea. Teachers tell me much time passed between that death and my reformation. The knife reforms with me, but I cannot ever find it.

I remember taking more risks, exposing myself to more danger as time passed, even when in war or otherwise accompanied by Eternal people. Many Eternal people died and did not reform. I can’t remember their names.

I remember indifference and ennui, and darkened water, and pain.

I awoke in fear, in my home between, having learned something important. I had to return to the leaning place, inform the Eternal people. I attempted to disperse into my essential self, to reform in the place of learning. The waves were far from me. I lay there on my bed, eyes tightly closed, binging them to me. Then I heard my beloved wife move in the nearby room. I love my wife and son. I heard waves retreat. I’m not married. It’s just a dream. I felt dry sand beneath me. I love my wife and son. In the mind’s eye, I saw myself die, unable to reform, and wondered if I had diminished. Again I tried to lean back, to float, but she sat on the bed, leaned over, kissed me, held me, and my fear passed.

Later I snapped awake, alone, longing desperately for nothing I can describe further.

Copyright © 2010 Mark Gadzikowski All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

This habit of spending leads us to think of US Healthcare Reform as a part of the US budget which will be taxed IN ADDITION TO current programs (worst case), or INSTEAD OF beloved programs (most probable). Yet I postulate that the average US citizen would be more interested in paying taxes spent for universal health and universal defense for every citizen. Sane people generally think it’s more important to pay for basic survival needs before paying for personal luxuries or the survival needs of others. This is true for any rational individual, family, clan, or state. Rational self-interest prioritizes survival.

Why are US taxes paying for a space station before all US citizens have homes? Why are US taxes paying for highways when all US citizens don’t have enough to eat? Why are US Taxes paying for protection of foreign interests when all US Citizens are not protected? Because somewhere between theory and practice, US government spending became prioritized more by political whim$y than by the needs of the citizen.

Like many successful, stable, healthy, fiscally-responsible, democratic governments, the United States should pay for the universal health and universal defense of all its citizens first, and prioritize luxuries and the survival needs of others as a secondary expense. Food, shelter, medical care and defense against violence are the most important needs of the US citizen. The US government should prioritize accordingly when budgeting our federal taxes.

This post was created on a ten-year old Windows CE handheld, using the dial-up number my DSL provider maintains. It’s been a long time since I’ve used dialup, and longer still since I’ve used a machine from the 90s.

It is with great pleasure I report my site is fully usable with Pocket Internet Explorer

Apocalypse Now struck me dumb, unable to speak. Over a quarter century later, I stumble to encompass how to express why …. relentless imagery, changes inflicted on personalities. Only two other films left me initially speechless, then thoughtful for days after–both sharing the same tragedy: a woman’s personality destroyed, to apparently thrive in her new life. So in my life, I’ve been profoundly moved by only three films. Even decades after first exposure, I must be careful when I watch these films, lest I inflict my moodiness on others in the following days.

Memorial Day started with me, awake alone, mid-stride a six-hour marathon of a particular TV show. The show’s first 13 episodes had been a somewhat fluffy experience, scary and action-packed, with occasional moving scenes of familial love or a great loss. (That I had seven unwatched episodes shows the measure of my previous indifference.) So picture almost six hours achieving only occasional wry laughter, 30 minutes of fear that the monster was outside _my_ dark windows, and perhaps 3 minutes of cemetery grief caused by a father for son.

Then consider I found myself emotionally eviscerated, as the final ten seconds had me weeping uncontrollably, biting my sleeve to quiet the moans.

Writer Harlan Ellison often has a character put one fist into his or her mouth while crying; I had never understood, never known that blocking my mouth could stand between myself and disintegration. I had never found myself trying to stuff more cloth of my sleeve into my mouth, stifling odd whimpers coming out while my body was weeping as without end.

Abruptly I found the mind floating, sort of befuddled at the emotion, “Ah, so this’s what it’s like.” It was an hour before I could settle enough to move to my bed, even longer before I stopped being wracked by sobs. I was afraid I’d waken my wife beside me. All the while, the mind was floating above, congratulating the TV writers and visual artists who put me into this state.

The show ended the season with the main character looking out a window. The camera pulls back to reveal she’s within an intact World Trade Center tower, gazing upon the other one. Fade to black.

In less than a second, with no dialogue, every viewer on earth knew Dorothy wasn’t in Kansas any more, she was in the alternate universe previously unproven.

No single symbol in western civilization could substitute so effectively. They implemented the perfect icon, a unique symbol able to affect every viewer. Even in review, the memory forces me to pause for composure. Without any sentimentality, they had me crying; it was a punch line that knocked my fucking lights out. I learned–with clarity I never dreamed possible–that I have unexpressed grief, that I yet mourn for the world that died with the towers.

Is this an archetype being born?

You may have to reset your password to gain access. I had to reset mine.